Hey Olympics! Stop Asking Us to Do the Impossible!

I share some feedback with the organizers of the Paris 2024 Opening Ceremonies, because that's what the world most needs right now

Man. 

I love love love love love the Olympics.  

It’s a time when I get to hear the word “fortnight” over and over again and its NOT in the context of a video game.

It’s a time when I surprise even myself. As in, I suddenly find myself yelling at the TV rooting for South Korea in women’s handball because my goodness, the things that squad has overcome. 

It’s a time when I make lists.  All sorts of lists.  In my head.  On paper. 

• Most exiting Olympic performances ever (Michael Phelps, London, Simone Biles, Rio). 

• Best track performances I have ever seen (Michael Johnson, 200m, Atlanta, Usain Bolt, 100m, London). 

• Best Estonian fencers of the Soviet era (Svetlana Chirkova-Lozovaja - end of list, period.)

But…

And I hate to bring this up…

It’s time I weighed in on the Opening Ceremonies in Paris…

Because hardly *anyone* has shared their opinion about it.

There was a moment in the Opening Ceremonies that we MUST discuss. As a people.

Look, I am incredibly culturally educated. And because these Games of the XBCWIIV Olympiad were going to be held in Paris, I expected a certain level of baguette propaganda.

What I did NOT expect was an assault on reason itself.

IT’S NOT EASY, JOHN LENNON. IT’S NOT.

Near the end of the ceremony, the Opening Ceremonies Director, making a very intentional choice, had French singer-songwriter Juliette Armanet sing John Lennon’s famous song “Imagine.”

She sang this famous song, while on a boat accompanied by a piano that was set on fire, not only because that is the obvious artistic choice but because combining boats (or aircraft!) and fire is always a good idea.  

And in that song, Armanet sang these words:

“Imagine there’s no countries,
It’s easy if you try.”

Normally, I would agree.  On most days in my life, it is pretty easy to NOT imagine countries. In fourth grade, there was a time when it was tough to do this, because I was using colored pencils to color in political maps of places like Central America quite a lot. But ever since fourth grade, the amount of political-map-coloring-in that I do has dropped precipitously.

So yes, France, normally, this request of John Lennon to imagine zero countries is perhaps attainable.

But do you know when it’s the *most difficult* for a human being to imagine no countries? 

Do you know when you should absolutely NOT ask people to imagine no countries?

• Right after *every* single country on earth has been paraded in front of you 

• in alphabetical order 

• with their flags

• As each country’s name is read aloud 

• for two hours

Do you know when it’s also difficult to stop imagining countries? When, as each country goes by, you are given an impromptu history and geography lesson about *every country* by Payton Manning, Mike Tirico and Kelly Clarkson.

Did you know that 88 percent of the African nation of Gabon, located in the Congo, is covered by rainforests?  

No.

No you did not.

At any point last in the last 365 days, have you thought about the African nation of Gabon? 

No. 

No, you have not.

But now you *are* thinking about Gabon, their beautiful people and their unique contribution to the biodiversity of Earth.

And NBC’s graphic department even made a virtual Google-Earth map, showing you the precise location of Gabon.

This is the moment - after an event which is *literally* called the “Parade of Nations” when it is the MOST difficult to imagine there are no nations

Because you have just invited – NAY, demanded – that I imagine

*every*

*single*

*country*

Even the nations that ARE NOT THERE – even the ones that are not in attendance, who have been BANNED and are NOT on the boat parade – even those are listed and talked about.

So.

Paris 2024 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony Organizers.

• I can forgive you destroying a perfectly good piano.

• I can forgive you not inviting Cyprus Hill to perform in your ceremonies even though having them sing Insane in the Membrane, Insane in the Seine is the most obvious artistic oversight of the evening

• I can forgive you besmirching the good name of the Minions by strongly implying that they “stole” the Mona Lisa

• I can forgive you for harnessing Global Treasure Celine Dion to your metal monument as though she is your slave. She is not your slave. Celine Dion is free! Free, I say! She is indomitable and can never be caged! HER HEART WILL GO ON DESPITE YOUR FRENCH CHAINS!
  
  I can forgive all that.
  
  But I cannot obey your request to imagine no countries.
  
  In fact, for the next fortnight (not the dumb game), I will be imagining all sorts of nations.
  
  Including one, more than the others.
  
  U-S-A
  U-S-A
  U-S-A